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Gay Parenting In Ireland: The Reality
 national |
rights, freedoms and repression |
opinion/analysis
 Wednesday December 14, 2005 13:05 by Geneviève Margaret Ryan Kennedy - Alternative Parents Ireland sidhbhra at gmail dot com
Outlaw Mother draws her guns...
Hell bent for leather, I sped toward this insalubrious title of Outlaw Mother, fully aware of its legal pitfalls due to lack of legislation but still unwilling to suppress my desire to become a parent...
 Rightless Innocent clocks in... Operation Mother Outlaw
While in the States there are ugly legal battles waged between divorced gay couples for custody rights and the usual tribulations of the separated, the fact that they have managed to get that far still turns heads in Europe and is the stuff of science fiction for the Irish. At present there is no legislation in Ireland either for gay couples, gay biological parents or for those who wish to become parents through adoption. We are no nearer then even to the proposed PACS (civil solidarity pact) system implemented already in France and currently in discussion in Italy. The civil unions in the UK (Civil Partnership Act) will have an agenda, similar to the PACs with a few exceptions but there will still be no joint adoption for couples.
Hell bent for leather, I sped toward this insalubrious title of Outlaw Mother, fully aware of its legal pitfalls due to lack of legislation but still unwilling to suppress my desire to become a parent... Society has come on a long way since then in terms of human worth but unfortunately now it is a question of economics. We as gay couples want equal rights because we want them in turn for our children, that they will be financially secure and will become esteemed members of society by their mere existence as human beings . The Oireachtas is still debating the issue but has recently turned down the new definition of family taking a retrograde step.
As a gay parent wishing to bring my child up in a protected family environment I have less rights for either myself, my child or partner than those of a single mother , we cannot:
Inherit automatically in the absence of a will, including joint and personally owned property
Be entitled to tax-free inheritance
Raise children together including: joint adoption, joint foster care, custody, and visitation including non-biological parents
Secure wrongful death benefits for my surviving partner and child
Take bereavement leave when my partner or child dies
Obtain divorce protection such as community property and child support
In this country, the children of gay parents have no recourse to the same law as those of married couples and any of the following could happen:
The biological father/mother may claim custody through the courts at any time irrespective of any contractual agreements between partners/donors
The child will not inherit from the non biological parent
The adopted child will go to next of kin not adopter’s partner if adopter dies
Divorce rights not applicable, therefore the child will receive no obligatory maintenance
Wills can be contested by the biological parents’ siblings and parents regarding the child’s inheritance.
Three years ago I and my partner of seven years decided to become parents. The abyss between this decision and its realisation was dizzying but nonetheless our determination superseded the magnitude of the task. I began the relentless search for a donor, retaining the importance of having another parental figure in the child’s life, having cherished the presence of my own father throughout mine. After various slip-ups and encounters with some very colourful individuals we, located about four different donors unfortunately none of whom slotted successfully into the deadlines, timeframes, or working week successfully. Albeit willing, the travelling schedules and ensuing stress were not fortuitous for any of us and often the disorientation and exhaustion of arriving in a foreign city only to go straight to a stranger’s bathroom to do things with syringes and yoghurt pots was slightly daunting. Psychologically speaking, a fecund environment wasn’t exactly created. All this time, I was waiting for the right person to acquiesce.
A good friend who knew of the trials and tribulations we were going through, bemusedly absorbed these things on a daily basis but was as yet ambivalent about his own desire to become a parent. One particular day, he finally made up his mind. This would be his big chance to have a child. I warned him of the travelling, odd hours and the fact that he would have to be ready to drop everything at a moment’s notice in order to serve a capricious monthly fertility cycle where sometimes even ovulation strips were no guarantee of perfect timing. He was still game.
. My own parents unfortunately have not accepted what I have done and are relegated to isolation from this incredible experience. Some of my father’s questions were more than interesting: “So are you getting married?”, and a rather classic “Why didn’t you ask us first?” were the initial milestones in comprehension. Granted, I did not expect “Darling, we are SO happy for you” but the ensuing vitriol and silence was not terribly pleasant. That said, my child will have four guaranteed grandparents if not six, will be very much nurtured and educated and will have every boon that three parents could possibly offer. People have been very supportive and continue to be so and there has been no negative reaction precluding my parents.. Having a child is possibly one of life’s biggest gifts and happily most people know this.
There are couples who have children through known and unknown donors, some choose to keep the donors anonymous and others like us, have chosen to give our child a third parent. There are couples who have had children from previous heterosexual relationships and there are those who have adopted and fostered children as singles. There are also those who have used the services of surrogates to achieve a family. There are examples of all of these family types in Ireland and many of them are members of Alternative Parents Ireland a website and mailing list for the new Irish family. There is also the Family Diversity Initiative which as yet has not focussed greatly on the gay aspect but more on the rights of the single parent. This issue can only be dealt seriously with when civil unions are introduced, usurping the constitution’s definition of family, and finally establishing the United Nation’s definition as our own.
We began inseminations last November and much to our surprise in February I discovered I was pregnant. No amount of mental preparation can fully convince you of something of this nature until it actually happens. Not even as I placed the pregnancy test on the table and my partner and I ogled the two bright red lines, did it hit me. I have since given birth to a stunning little boy and I will most likely have to spend the best part of the rest of my life fighting for my family’s rights. It is a struggle in which I am willing to partake as part of my own completion as an adult and the belief that everyone can live the way they choose, deconstructing the stereotypical myths. Perhaps one day my parents will see the sense of it all and the beauty of their grandchild as will the rest of this country.
‘The family is technically defined as ‘any combination of two or more persons who are bound together by ties of mutual consent, birth and/or adoption or placement and who, together, assume responsibility for, inter alia, the care and maintenance of group members, the addition of new members through procreation or adoption, the socialization of children and the social control of members.’
Geneviéve Margaret Ryan Kennedy
www.alternativeparents.com
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Comments (16 of 16)
Jump To Comment: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16has invited Mc Dowell to consider an equivalent to the PACS law in france, which is itself under review as those who proposed it and opposed it now want to change it yet again to bring it into line with the Spanish law, which is the most liberal in Europe and perhaps hasn't turned heads in the USA.
http://www.indymedia.ie/newswire.php?story_id=70883
And I thought the recent UK decision to allow such partnerships in the NI statelet first, would be accompanied by the Irish government making adjustments to the Bunreacht so as to continue the "all ireland" fudge.
I suppose someday we'll look at the issues of fat people being allowed to adopt kids without fat genes or people with chronic adiction genes being allowed to adopt kids with the genes of sobriety. but we'll have to wait for that kind of progress. I hope we make it though.
And before anyone dismisses that as offensive, let us be quite clear, that under the PACS and other jurisprudence mechanisms allowing people of the same sex to marry, the definition of "sexuality" has been left out.
Coz we can't define it legally. Unless we define it scientifically. & that means "genes".
And I for one will be very dismayed if in the search for "rights" the LGBT "community" opens the door on Genetic selection and sooner or later we get to....
The Question should people carrying the obesity-mental retardation-delayed puberty-macroorchidism-acanthosis nigricans-hyperinsulinemia syndrome gene
be allowed to adopt children, or celebrate civil marriage unions or even encouraged to form stable loving and committed relationships considering it touches on several areas of morality and ethics and public health.
Can we imagine the sort of homelife a child without the obesity-mental retardation-delayed puberty-macroorchidism-acanthosis nigricans-hyperinsulinemia syndrome gene would experience, constantly being expected to sit on the sofa and eat junk food?
But in the absence of any specific scriptural guidance on genetic inheritance or established occidental jurisprudence due to unfortuanate incidents with the papyri going up in smoke, might it be too phariseeiac (they didn't go away) to suggest that people with obesity-mental retardation-delayed puberty-macroorchidism-acanthosis nigricans-hyperinsulinemia syndrome genes only be allowed to adopt children with obesity-mental retardation-delayed puberty-macroorchidism-acanthosis nigricans-hyperinsulinemia syndrome genes.
do you really want to trust Mc Dowell with this one?
Ive no interest at present of getting married,even in fabulous soho in february my birthday,i know lots of lesbian couples in Ireland with kids,and am considering donating to a single lesbian lady looking for a donor,but id want a fair bit of input in the childs life,even if the lady gets married,thats fine,money and love will still be their for that gift of a child!!IM only going to be 22 in feb,but sowhat!!
... of a lesbian getting married in Ireland Paddy so you're safe enough in that regard. You should join the mailing list accessible from API www.alternativeparents.com and make your proposal there. API are always looking for donors and coparents.
I dont think this will happen in Ireland judging from an independent point of view.
...indeed as lesbians would be united in a civil ceremony and would not be "marriage" which is mostly regarded as a religious heterosexual institution with all its nonsense.
And offering the opinion that the Irish constitution may not afford equal protection to _non-married_ couples.
Well fear not, for there is movement across Europe's rightwing parties and ideologues on the same question.
We may see this is as a reaction to progress made for minority same sex relationship recognition varying from full "legal equality" to other types of law. Or it may be influence of Ratzinger. Or it may just be something they put in the water. Anyway, today's Libération France's daily left newspaper outlines the debate within the ruling French right wing part UMF at the publication of their "100 points for the family". Not only fo the french right expect their families to have children, but they also expect them to have two parents with different genitalia. They also expect them to pay tax, not complain, and not get to uppity about religious symbols. They'd also like it if these families disciplined their kids and taught them not to burn other peoples' cars.
i swear the right is getting loonier.
http://libe.com/page.php?Article=354139
The rights that come first in this situation are those of the intended child, surely? The account above is written from the first person perspective of the woman 'wanting' a child as though that was all there was to justifying having one.
This isn't a question of whether a child can be adequately looked after, its a question of doing what's right for it. Children can't naturally be born except by male and female sexual realtions. This is way more than a mere technicality. Is there not a deeply psychological and spiritual dimension to the process and isnt it mainfestly a heterosexual function? No one alive can honestly deny they need to know they were the result of a well-motivated union of their father and mother. It's hugely important to us.
What a preposterous idea to reduce the process to something so devoid of meaning as scraping semen out of a yoghurt carton and inseminating yourself in a toilet. Rather than feeling sympathy for the narrators tribulations, I'm struck by the latent absurdity of it , as much as anything else. Wouldn't any sane person be saying 'what the hell am I doing here? This can't be right!' If heterosexuality is not in my nature, why am I involved in this ludicrous imitation of it?' To pretend the reality of that moment is umimportant is seriously delusional.
What will be the longterm damage to people who are brought into the world by such unnatural means? Sure, it's true that many children of heterosexual couples may not be born for the best of reasons either but that can't be a justification for pretending you are procreating in a way which is actually impossible (male/male female/female). I dont intend any censure of homosexuality itself by this or to doubt that homosexual couples can be considerate and caring about children. But it is leaving the whole dimension of who and what we are completely out of the equation - a fundamental denial of the true nature of the intended child. We need to be born of committed parents of both sexes and to be cared for by them as we grow up in order to understand the world of people around us. Heterosexual parents are not just models of a particular type of sexuality, its about much more than that.
The nature of homosexuality precludes having children, by definition. Why do some homosexuals aspire to the characteristics of heterosexual relations (marriage and children) if they are so sure of their natural orientation? Isn't it a sort of betrayal? Don't we need to respect that model of relationship in all its own unique characteristics. It's like women believing they are liberating themselves from sexism by imitating men.
One homosexual parenting does not preclude homosexual procreation. In Spain since the simple addition of a phrase "marriage will be equally valid regardless of the gender of partners", those couples who have succesfully applied for and won adoption rights over their children, count on one natural parent of the child. To put it simply, mammy thought she was straight and had a baby, now she knows she's not straight, and has a loving committed and stable relationship we term marriage, and her partner has equal responsibility of wardship for _their child_.
Quite honestly sexuality is not so black and white at whatever end of the scale you look.
& though the belief that children are best "with two parents one of either gender" is widespread it is not the only opinion in our society today, nor properly reflects the changes in our society over the last 40 years.
There are as many fulfilled individuals who grew up in single parent homes as there are those who were adopted as those who grew up in nuclear families or earlier "established norms" - the extended family.
I believe you're overly sentimental in hoping that all people alive are the result of planned conception and gave nothing but joy to their parents. But those are your opinions and this debate needs mutual respect to be established by all who enter into it.
QUOTE: Children can't naturally be born except by male and female sexual realtions.
Are you implying that there's something un-natural about masturbating into a clean vessel, then a friend using a turkey baster (syringe with a bulb on the end) to collect the semen and then insert it into herself? (Note, if you're trying this at home: it's important to use a syringe with a wide aperture and to suck in and squeeze out the sperm slowly, otherwise there's a chance they'll be damaged by sheer forces.)
Or are you saying that the above act is "male and female sexual relations"?
The poor guy above using the "it's not natural" argument should be made aware that such an argument is ridiculous. By the same argument it can be said that pretty much all of medecin is not natural. While perhaps the good writer might like to deny thamselves such unnatuaral things I would hold on to such things as antibiotics, vaccines and clean water and keep those neglecting such things far away from me.
Defining natural is next to impossible.
Defining it as that which humans have not has significant input into is not useful as we see by medicines's inclusion.
Defining it as a subjective assesment of what things appear designed for is not useful since, especially with life, the things alter as they are used for different purposes and so any design or intent seen within is an illusion and completely subjective.
Defining natural as that which exists in the natural world is a good definition, I believe, but since homosexual parenting clearly does exist it is as natural as anything else which exists.
Expansion of the argument put forward by such appeals to nature in this context would mean all infertile couples being blocked from parenthood -clearly ridiculous.
I work in Ireland and got bereavement leave on the death of my partner and compassionate leave before. It depends on the employer.
I think the treatment of the grandparents in this article isterrible. What about the child's right to a relationship with it's grandparents? The writer's argument with her parents is her business but it seems strange to deny the child a relationship with them - it's like punishing them by using the child.
As I read this I wondered who exactly the child was. The author makes a valid point about equality of recognition, but couches it in a level of vitriol towards her parents that is very telling. She believes having a child makes her 'a complete adult' - that was a disturbing thing to read.
It's sad really.
The Leaving Cert. level of writing (look Mommy I know big words) lessens any point she is trying to make.
Has the author given up on answering her critics? Are the toys out of the pram?
Rights of Gay Parents? Just look at the rights of fathers (i.e., dads, not priest) in hetero marriage.... total disgrace. women have it all their own way in courts. thank god for John Waters and David Norris to voice all these issues...
How many times is this person going to tell her sorry tale in the national media?
We've had it here, in the Sunday Tribune, on Newstalk radio and now in Ireland on Sunday.
We get it - you're spoilt, you hate your parents - now please give us all a rest from it all and go mind your child.
...tend to defend their own complexes lest someone destroy them behind their backs, "James" child. The IOS was a dreadful reportage but then I was accosted outside my own house by them. It is interesting to see that you however read it which proves a valuable point. This is not only "my" story but that of hundreds of other Irish gay parents who are doing the same thing. Heightening awareness of what we are doing and will continue to do on this small island is the best thing for the progress of society as a whole . You and your conscience will have to get a room.
The simplest and most liberal gay marriage & adoption law change in the world.
Thousands of people got married but only 50 families applied for adoption. & interestingly 3 suits have been filed for divorce and the first one has passed. People are a bit bemused at the reasons cited in the first divorce case, the plaintiff said he had been treated "like a housewife".
Obviously all those who benefit from liberal laws aren't liberal and all those who benefit from gender political progress are not incapable of sexism.