Phearless Phoenix!!!

national | arts and media | opinion/analysis Friday September 09, 2005 13:31 by Captain Swing

The front line defenders of our national integrity!

What does Phoenix think it’s doing? ‘Goldhawk’ et al probably do believe they are mounting some kind of challenge to the pantomime that passes for Irish politics. Take a look at a typical issue. For instance, the latest one. The biggest clue about who our intrepid crew of fearless reporters believe their readers are, lies in the advertising. Here are a few examples:

‘A luxury development of apartments with SECTION 50 TAX BREAKS’

‘The Castle Leslie Estate…5 Bedroom Homes From E550,000’

More than ten pages of expensive property advertising alone!!!! Only 46 pages in the magazine. A total of 22 pages of advertising, altogether. They must be rolling in it. And unlike their mother publication, Private Eye, in England, who are never out of court because of the challenges they are prepared to make against the corrupt and incompetent, Phoenix must be a nice little profit earner by now.

‘Last year Sheila was late with her CRO annual return and it might happen again this year. But company directors like Sheila, must make sure their companies file an annual return…’ Poor Sheila.

Also, full-page, government-sponsored, 4-colour ads - at a pretty price, I’ll wager.

Anglo Irish Bank

***************

People like these do not advertise in a real satirical magazine. No, sadly, what we have is really nothing more than titillating gossip for the smugly rich of Dublin and a handful of others in big houses around the bogs:

‘Civil unrest has broken out among the well-heeled residents of Ranelagh, Dublin 6 over local solicitor Fran Mulligan’s fencing off of a small parcel of land known as Beechwood Common’. Talk about hard-hitting.

4 pages of financial advice for people with so much money they need to be helped to know where to hide and/or spend it all. This is really doing wonders for the plain people of Ireland.

Even De Diary. No doubting it brings a smile to the face but take a closer look. Isn’t it all just a little too coy:

‘You can’t really play Gah alone, unless you’re de Dubs in de recent replay against Tyrone.’

It’s difficult to imagine Bertie fears anything at all from this slyly flattering little piece, peppered as it always is with attributions of humour and wit such as this. Is Bertie really that funny? He must be delighted with it all, whatever.

‘When I put one Cork comedian in charge of consumer rights, I never taut dere’d be room in de market for two’.

It’s difficult not to like the man, really. The only possible ground for offence is the Dublin accent thing but I’m thinking our satirist has safely calculated that in the context of all the compliments, Bertie has decided not to mind about that, really. There must be great security in knowing you have the Taoiseach fully onside. (Actually, could I enter a digressionary plea here? Could we all stop referring to this guy as ‘Bertie’? This convention is doing him a hugely undeserved but subtle favour, I fear. It’s difficult to believe anyone called ‘Bertie’ isn’t a harmless, cheerful little chappie. Let’s stick with ‘Ahern’ in future, shall we, in view of the real facts?)

Otherwise, the targets of all this biting satire are the safe and popular ones: Ennui Kenny, Dubya, yawn…

The tribulations of Wexford Opera feature more than can possibly be of interest to the national audience – but then you have to remember again what was said above: the cosy smugness of the symbiosis between Phoenix and its readers and advertisers - whose leisure time pursuits must also be considered if they are to stay loyal.

Aside from that, you’ll be waiting a very long time indeed for any actual news. No serious and sustained investigative challenge is ever mounted against any of the multiple, stinky corners of Irish life. Even allowing for the fortnightly publication interval, is it really necessary to have quite so much re-hashing of old news? No risks at all involved, you see, if you simply quote from tried and well-tested material.

If there is any satire in Ireland, this aint it.